USVI: "Wait, Dorothy, wait, Dorothy, wait!"
Readers give advice to woman whose boyfriend is getting married to someone else.The advice she received is interesting, but the only bit I partially agreed with was that of the last writer.
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Many readers kindly took an interest in the letter from the young woman who received a telephone call from the father of her child. He called to tell her that he was getting married very soon to someone else. She wrote that she was in a state of shock and felt humiliation and deep shame.
I don't subscribe to this tracking a man down as though a woman is a blood-hound, and I see no reason to jostle up with a next woman for a man. As some calypsonian sang, "me ain't fighting for no man." If a man is worth keeping, then he's got to prove that by being faithful and honest.
So, my advice to the young lady, move on and say never again. Come to some practical arrangement with him about the child, one which does not involve him entering your home; insist on child support and take him to court if he gives any hassles. Forget the "old firestick" story because that means he will use you as the "outside woman." That alone says, in his view, you're good for nothing but a f***. Don't speak ill of him to the child; though he may be a dog, a child needs to have his illusions about daddy. Let him learn who daddy really is from his own observations. Children do learn. Learn from your own experience, and don't fall in the same trap again. Thus, the following words can apply to you, too.
My advice to others who may wind up in her position: keep your knees crossed, and wait for the wedding. If you're good enough to lie down with, then you're good enough to marry. So, value yourself highly and insist on marriage before bed. If he says he wants a child, as some men say just to prove they can breed a woman, then you're good enough to marry. So, insist on marriage before the childbed. Heaven knows, when the milk is free, there's no reason to buy the cow. As everyone knows, the valuation which a woman puts on herself is that at which men will esteem her, and a man will try to get away with whatever a woman allows him.
Before you entertain talk of marriage and such, make it a point of seeing the guy's pay-stubs, his bankbook, and the deeds for house and land. That sounds mercenary, but it is not. It is merely practical; as my grandmother used to say, when you go looking for birds you must have a cage to put them in. So, the first order of business is to verify the guy's finances because, no matter how good a man looks, nice face won't pay rent, put food on the table, or mind the child. Besides, the last thing a woman needs is some locho who will depend on her to mind him. Demand that the male be a man.
More than this, it's always helpful to get next to his mother and find out what kind of man he is. Yeah, I know, many Caribbean men are "mammy-struck," and some Caribbean women don't want their boy child to take a wife at all. They figure that their boy child exists to provide them with material support until they die. Just roll with the punches and use the available sources of information. Get to know the family, and listen carefully to what his mother says. Whatever you do, make sure that he provides a home sufficiently distant from his mother's house.
Frankly, it's not a bad thing to have your parents, pastor, and relatives check the man out. Love is a many splendored thing to be sure, but sometimes a person is on heat rather than in love. A second party opinion is always helpful for restoring a sense of perspective to raging hormones. Put him through the church check; if he'll go to church with you, then more than sex might be on his mind. Caveat: some men will do anything for a piece, including going to church with a woman.
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